Scholars have long debated the existence of a unified theological framework capable of explaining the full breadth of human religious behavior. After centuries of research, controversy, schisms, councils, reforms, counter-reforms, and fundraising campaigns, we are pleased to present The Seventeen Great Themes in Theology™: a concise set of principles that function as the unofficial theistic equivalent of the Ten Commandments. While traditional doctrines may vary, these fifteen enduring themes appear with remarkable regularity wherever humans gather to explain the universe, defend their tribe, or pass a collection plate.
It is expected that each theme will inspire extensive future study, essays, debates, podcasts, apologetics ministries, heresy trials, and strongly worded social media posts. In fact, Theme #2, The Constant Need for Money, has already grown so large that it is currently being expanded into its own dedicated research project. Preliminary findings suggest the topic may require several volumes and at least three separate donation drives to complete.
The 17 Great Themes of Theology™
- I’m Right, You’re Wrong
The oldest doctrine, continuously updated since antiquity. - The Constant Need for Money
Surprisingly, the Creator of the Universe always seems to need help covering expenses. - Miracles for Me, Magic for Thee
My supernatural event is evidence. Yours is mythology. - Evidence Applies to You, Not Me
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence… unless I already agree with them. - The Mysterious Ways Escape Hatch
When explanations fail, upgrade mystery to a feature. - Women Need Not Apply
Leadership positions available. Half the population exempt. - The Golden Age That Definitely Existed
Things were much better before everyone started asking questions. - The Infallible Interpretation
The text is perfect. Coincidentally, so is my reading of it. - Schrödinger’s Metaphor
Literal when it helps. Symbolic when it doesn’t. - The Authority Two-Step
Appeal to ancient wisdom when convenient. Appeal to modern expertise when ancient wisdom becomes awkward. - The Moving Goalposts of Revelation
Every failed prediction was actually symbolic, misunderstood, or waiting for the correct translation. - The Sacred Double Standard
Skepticism toward all competing beliefs, unwavering trust toward one’s own. - The One True Denomination
One truth. 40,000 mutually exclusive explanations. - Persecution by Mild Disagreement
“Someone criticized me online” becomes “the faith is under attack.” - Divinely Inspired Coincidences
Hits are providence. Misses are human error. - The Theology of Convenient Exceptions
The rule is absolute… except in every case where it’s inconvenient. - God Works in Mysterious Ways, But Somehow Agrees with My Politics
An astonishing pattern observed across cultures and centuries.
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